Empty Me {Part 1}

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I know many of you are under the impression that I didn’t post much at all during November due to NaNoWriMo and the 50,000 words I committed to getting down on paper.

Actually, that’s not true at all.

Though Nano did play a very tiny role in my lack of postage, I had plenty of time to spare. The real reason why I didn’t post in November was because I was really, really struggling in my relationship with God.

My quiet times, to put it bluntly, were complete jokes.

I am not a morning person, so when the alarm goes off it’s not my friend. My conscience would niggle at me that I should get up for once and spend more than ten minutes with God, but I would end up juggling my Bible around my cereal bowl {again} and trying not to get the pages splattered with milk. Does it work? All I can say is: do not try this at home {or anywhere else, for that matter}.

I knew I was off on the wrong track, but I couldn’t seem to get back on the right one. I couldn’t muster the interest to get up for another session with my Bible where I would read the same things I’d already read over and over and over again and try to get something new out of the verses I had practically memorized. There was nothing there, I told myself. I just couldn’t find the wisdom I needed and the answers I longed for and the earth-shattering meanings that I felt surely everyone else was getting.

You see, I’ve always approached a quiet time from the absolute wrong direction.

I would come with expectations that every day I needed to find a new inspiration, a hidden meaning, a deep truth that I had never before realized existed between Genesis and Revelations. I struggled to find a meaningful way to study the Bible. I tried books and devotionals and reading through the entire sixty-six books in a year.

I simply couldn’t find the right way to study. I couldn’t find the best way to learn. I didn’t know how to dig for wisdom and knowledge and understanding.

Needless to say, after almost nineteen years of trying, I was beginning to feel that it was hopeless. I just wasn’t good at reading the Bible.

On Sunday, I was talking with a wonderful friend on the phone for two hours and during that time we both unburdened a lot of what had been on our minds. We discussed our frustrations and our problems and shared each other’s burdens. I told her about my struggle to find meaning in God’s word and how I no longer even felt like getting up to read it. She offered some advice and we prayed together and then hung up.

Here I will make a confession: I’m the kind of person who doesn’t stop worrying at a problem until I’ve either got the answer or something that will suffice as an answer for the time being. Consequently, I kept turning over and over in my mind what I had been doing with my quiet time and what wasn’t working. And suddenly God opened up my eyes and I received from Him a very simple truth.

Now bear with me here, because this is going to sound very, very “duh”. It’s one of those things about God that you struggle and struggle with and then finally the answer comes out a clear blue sky and you sit back and think “why have I never thought of this before?!”

I said to God “if I give You time in the morning, if I get up at a certain time and give You this certain amount of time, will You promise to show me the things I want to know?”

Right then, I saw for the first time what I had been missing in my quiet times for nineteen years {okay, it’s more like fourteen or fifteen. I couldn’t read until I was four or five}.

All these years I’ve been bringing my expectations to the table, telling God “okay, we’re going to try this and see if it opens up my eyes to the amazing things in Your Word”.

All these years I’ve been telling Him how the quiet time will be run, how much time we have, what needs to get done {ie, this much time to read these chapters, then I’ve got to review this chapter I memorized and then I’ve got to memorize a new verse from over here in this chapter} so that I will be sure to have a fulfilled, well-rounded time with Him.

 I obsessed over finding the meanings to verses and was always disappointed when they meant exactly what I thought they did and that I already knew what I had just discovered.

I’d get frustrated, saying “God! I’m giving you this time in the mornings, will You step up to the plate and give me the wisdom I need?”

I’ve been running my quiet times like a person who asks a really important question and then cuts off the reply before it starts.

I’ve strangled God’s voice by rushing to get everything I think will help me grow into my time allowance before I have to move on to other things. I wanted God’s wisdom, but I wasn’t willing to give Him the time to give it to me!

I’ve been like Martha. Too busy thinking about the chicken in the pot and the unswept floor, the problems of the world, the problems with me and the need for everything to be perfect instead of settling down at the feet of my Savior {who knows all things} and simply listening to Him tell me what I need to do.

I realized that it’s not about what I bring to the quiet time. I can bring nothing of value, nothing of wisdom, nothing that will contribute anything worthwhile except a heart ready to be taught. And God doesn’t want me to come prepared with all the answers. He doesn’t want me to come with an agenda. He doesn’t want me to come with anything but a willingness to learn. God wants me to just come as I am; lost and imperfect and very greatly in need of wisdom.

He wants me to come empty, humbly admitting that I know nothing, and ready to be filled.

To be continued…

'Til next time!