Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth. - II Timothy 2:15


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Monday, February 16, 2015

Close


I was given a rose in church yesterday. A deep red, curled up bud just starting to unfurl.

I'm not much of a rose person. I prefer wildflowers - a bright mish-mosh of colors - or lilacs or daisies. But roses are culturally appropriate for Valentine's Day. And I'm not ungrateful. The bud vase of roses on our table is a sight more attractive than the no-decoration-whatsoever we usually look at.

I fingered the petals; brushing them out; opening the bud. Not really interested. Not really inspired.

And a whisper came unexpectedly to my soul.

 I made that with my finger.

And my touch was suddenly reverent.

I was touching something made by the finger of God.

Sisters, that's how close He is to our everyday lives.

Like Michelangelo's painting of The Creation of Adam, we come every moment of our lives into contact with the finger of God. We touch what He touched. We experience what He designs. We live in the word of His power.

How easily we lose that wonder of living in our Father's world!

When the snowflakes fall and catch, stop and remember from where they came. Each one designed by the all-knowing God who decided that it would snow at that very moment before time began.

When you brush your hair, so briskly and unthinking, stop and remember that every strand is numbered by your ultimate Father who knit them together when He placed you gently in your mother's womb.

And when you interact with those in your daily life, remember that, Christians or no, they are deeply loved by the Creator of all, who is completely aware of everything about them that we cannot see and also not willing that any should perish.

It's easy to look at the ocean, the Grand Canyon, the mountain ranges, and be awed by the majesty of God. But those things don't permeate our lives on a daily basis (at least, not most of us!). The majesty of God is bursting into our everyday lives at every turn. His hand meets ours in everything we touch. And He alone has opened our eyes to see and understand that He is the source. Our hearts know who to worship because He Himself has placed that knowledge in them.

How utterly dependent and yet how utterly safe we are!

"And He is not served by human hands, as if He needed anything. Rather, He Himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else." 
{Acts 17:25}

Love,

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Saturday, August 16, 2014

Mini Book Review: The Egg and I


Finished!!

The fact that it took me roughly 3-1/2 months to accomplish this has no bearing whatsoever on the content.

Quickies
4 out of 5
Recommended: with reservations
Categories: memoirs, humor, exceptional word use

Betty MacDonald is a genius with a pen {cil? Typewriter? Not sure what she used to put this on paper...}. Looking after thousands of hens in a remote ranch on the coast of Washington sounds about as much like a picnic as bread and water in a 15th century dungeon. In such situations, one must have a sense of humor or I think one would probably up and die. Betty MacDonald does - and her battles with pressure cookers, certified redneck neighbors, woodstoves, zero modern conveniences and the ranch itself are all cast in a comically cynical, laugh-or-cry style.

411
The reservations in recommending this book are as follows: there is quite a bit of language in this book and some characters who don't have the most genteel topics when it comes to conversation. Also, Betty doesn't always beat around the bush, so there are some rather blunt observations.

Till next time!

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Sunday, August 10, 2014

While I Was Out...

Taking a break from blogging sure gives one a lot more unanticipated free time and {I'm discovering} fresh energy to get back to it once one's blog has been updated and all the links are working again.

Thanks, Rachel!

As I posted last time, my life underwent some rather substantial changes over the past few months. However, it also underwent some minor and significantly less important changes that were a lot less stressful and infinitely more fun!


1
I got my hair chopped off

Before

6 inches and a plethora of layers later...


Ponytails required a lot of clips for a while, but otherwise I was incredibly happy with the results :)

2
I finished a novel


It's in two chunks there, but when I printed it off, double-spaced, it was almost a full ream of paper and that's not actually all of it. After rewriting it 3 times, it's a little surreal to know that this is the last time I'll be going over it before...what? Sending out query letters? Taking the next step to my dream of publication? I confess I'm dragging my feet a bit here because the fact that it's almost done is somehow more daunting than facing the blank pages at the beginning and filling them.

3
 I turned 21 and was legally allowed to paint my toenails


I chose OPI's Live, Love, Carnaval for this much-anticipated moment

...and got frozen yogurt with plenty of s'mores crunch.

4
I ditched my eucharisteo box {read about that here} and started a journal


It sits on my desk at work and I use different colored pens each day. The box had its time and when I emptied it it was pretty full, but now that I have a more stationary life the journal is more sensible. I've also ditched the idea that my 'gifts' {read Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts if you have no idea what I'm talking about} have to sound like poetry. If I'm thankful for the way my chair rolls over the plastic sheet on the floor that's as poetic as it's going to be on the page.

5
I finally made the journal-calendar-box-memory-catcher thingamajig that I found on the internet forever ago and have always intended to construct.


Here is the link that explains what this is and how to make your very own. I will add my personal warning though: you will need more than one package of the index cards because it takes a LOT. I still have to get some more before sometime in the middle of May. I also have to find something I want to use for a month divider and decorate the box. For now, that's still in the decision stage.

Anything else? Probably - but those are all the pictures I have to share.

Till next time!

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Saturday, August 2, 2014

Watching the Waves


Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
{Matthew 14:29-30}
In the past two months since my last post, I have experienced an allegory of those two verses that has proven once again how great and powerful and good is my Heavenly Father. 
May was a rough month. June was even worse. I was trapped by my fears and often unable to break out of them. I began to have debilitating anxiety attacks at the thought of anything school-related and even the Scriptures I read seemed like empty promises in the face of the fears that were controlling me. I was watching the waves and, like Peter, I was sinking.
I'm a control freak. I wish I wasn't, but I am. When it comes to my life, I like to have everything neatly cut and dried so that I can rest comfortable in the knowledge that I know what's going to happen tomorrow. Thus figuring out how my current life would work in this well-ordered way whilst throwing school into the mix was exhausting and terrifying to me. My worst-case scenarios only added to my fears while my best case scenarios sounded about as cheerful as Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day. I didn't want to live this life that I felt God was calling me to live and I was shaken to think that He was placing me in a situation where I felt absolutely no excitement, passion or joy. 
 Cue the God who cannot stop doing what's best for me even though I become a little ball of fear whenever change blows through. Through this time in the valley, I can echo the psalm now more than ever before: this I know, that God is for me. 
Because the day my fears came to such a head that I wondered if I would be able to function any longer, God stepped in and turned it all upside down: I was offered a full time job at the office where I had been working part time as the accounts payable administrator to manage both the accounts payable and accounts receivable departments. 
I've been working there for almost a month now and I love it. It's exactly what I've always dreamed of doing and everywhere I turn I see God's hand working in every circumstance. 
I'm still going to school this fall, but since I have been given the job I was going to school in hopes of getting, I've been given the freedom to pick and choose which classes I take and when I take them. I've opted for one this semester and will see what happens from there. I'm trying not to make extensive future plans as I'm beginning to learn that God already has!  
There's just one more thing I would like to say before I end this post: God never, ever, ever gives us stones. He knows how to give good gifts to His children because I can look over these past few months where I thought my situation was going to be unbearable and see, piece by piece, how all of it was only working together for my good.   
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said,“why did you doubt?”
{Matthew 14:31}
 Till next time!
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Monday, April 21, 2014

Book Review: Divergent {Take 2}


Quickies
1 out of 5
Recommended: No
Categories: Mind-candy, easy reading

Synopsis
In Beatrice Prior’s dystopian Chicago world, society is divided into five factions, each dedicated to the cultivation of a particular virtue—Candor (the honest), Abnegation (the selfless), Dauntless (the brave), Amity (the peaceful), and Erudite (the intelligent). On an appointed day of every year, all sixteen-year-olds must select the faction to which they will devote the rest of their lives. For Beatrice, the decision is between staying with her family and being who she really is—she can’t have both. So she makes a choice that surprises everyone, including herself.
During the highly competitive initiation that follows, Beatrice renames herself Tris and struggles alongside her fellow initiates to live out the choice they have made. Together they must undergo extreme physical tests of endurance and intense psychological simulations, some with devastating consequences. As initiation transforms them all, Tris must determine who her friends really are—and where, exactly, a romance with a sometimes fascinating, sometimes exasperating boy fits into the life she's chosen. But Tris also has a secret, one she's kept hidden from everyone because she's been warned it can mean death. And as she discovers unrest and growing conflict that threaten to unravel her seemingly perfect society, she also learns that her secret might help her save those she loves . . . or it might destroy her.

Observations
Since I don't consider myself a fan of mainstream YA fiction, whether it be dystopian, fantasy, romance, or just plain teen drama, and I more often than not wind up disappointed when I read it, Divergent was never a book for me. However, I had gotten pulled into the Hunger Games and since Divergent seemed to be traveling a similar path {and I got a copy for free} I didn't see the harm in trying.

My main issues with Divergent are as follows:

1. I felt that, for a plot-driven novel, it didn't have an overabundance of plot.
The main idea of the book was an interesting one and, obviously, forcing multi-faceted human beings into choosing one all-encompassing character trait is going to cause issues somewhere along the line, but it just didn't seem to be fully developed, with important plot points tossed carelessly around and suffering from severe lack of explanation as to how they are accomplished.

The first five chapters {which are pretty short} ran through a lot of important information like character introductions, faction history, world-building, aptitude tests, and the Choosing Ceremony. It seemed a bit rushed - and it was hard to get your bearings and visualize everything - but since the book is thirty-nine chapters long, it seemed like a safe assumption that more information would be distributed later on.
The weird thing is that it wasn't - not really anyway - because in chapter six, Four came on the scene to stay.

2. As the book progressed, I began to feel more and more as if the focus of the story was not that Tris was divergent or that the factions were crumbling or even the growing pressure of competitive training, but that Four was hot. So much of the story seemed constructed around him that I felt it detracted from plot development. Obviously, I haven't read the other two books so I don't know if or how anything that seemed minor in Divergent may affect the plots of the trilogy, but taking Divergent alone I got the impression that more than a few scenes were written without further point than to tell the reader more about Four's complete dominance in the alpha male category. I know this is the trend in modern fiction, but it bothers me that so many books on the top seller lists are there because they have a demi-god hero and a heroine who doesn't mind looking.

3. In my opinion, the violence in Divergent was mostly unnecessary and over-the-top. Dauntless is the faction designed to protect the other factions, yet they neither seem to have much of anything to protect nor the appropriate training techniques to teach their initiates what protection actually is.

For instance, how does forcing sixteen-year-olds to beat each other up until one is unconscious supposed to foster anything but brutality and hatred?
And making them, even in a stimulation, shoot their own families supposed to help them overcome their fears or give them a desire to protect anyone?

The detriment of this reverse-psychology system is clearly seen in Tris as she battles her way through training. As she slowly loses her humanity and becomes more accustomed to devising revenge on the initiates she dislikes, steeling herself to be the last man standing in the fight ring, detaching herself from her softer emotions to coldly treat others with unforgiveness and grudges, giving in recklessly to adrenaline and hormones, she triumphantly calls it leaving Abnegation behind and embracing Dauntless.

  And Dauntless itself is less of a faction bent on doing their job and more of a penthouse of eighteen-year-old trainers and sixteen-year-old initiates where adrenaline is rampant and there seem to be no rules besides living as recklessly as possible to prove how dauntless you are.

411
1. There is a lot of body-gazing in this book. Tris doesn't let much of Four go unnoticed and I found it a little overbearing. If I'm supposed to like this guy, I'd rather it was because he had some depth to him outside of the fact that he's drop-dead gorgeous. I don't need his body thrown at my head every time he walks in the room. I get the idea and I'd appreciate a side of character to go along with his slightly over-the-top package.

2. There isn't any actual sex in the book, but there's a lot of cuddling, kissing {not just on the lips}, touching, Tris staying in Four's apartment overnight, and a scene of physical assault that doesn't go into detail, but is there nonetheless.

3. There's a smattering of mild swear words. The 'h' word gets tossed around and God's name is taken in vain on several occasions. I don't recall any others specifically, but there may be other instances of  unnecessary language. There is also a lot of juvenile joking and name-calling, which may or may not be offensive or annoying depending upon your personal views.

In Conclusion...
I personally think Divergent is mind candy of the first degree. That's my opinion, I know, and I'm not trying to impose it on anyone. My hope is that what I've said here has only given you an idea of what to expect and make an informed decision on whether Divergent is something you want to get into or not.

Till next time!

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Wednesday, April 9, 2014

A New Look at Book Reviews

Previous post notwithstanding, I haven't been able to get the review for Divergent off my mind. And, I guess, not for Divergent alone, but book reviews on my blog in general. My last post sort of nipped all future reviews in the bud and I didn't mean to do that. I'm passionate about books and writing and I don't want to give up this aspect of my blog because I feel I can't say anything bad about a book. I've been giving some serious thought to the whole situation and I've decided not to stop writing reviews for fear of giving a negative view, but to modify my reviewing style instead. If nothing else, it will be an excellent exercise in speaking the truth in love.

So here's how it's going to be:

Section one will be the quick stuff. Rating, whether or not I personally recommend it and what sort of categorization it can be slotted into.

Section two will be the book's synopsis so you can get a feel for the story without any effort on your part at all.

Section three will be my honest observations. I've come to realize that a negative book review isn't a scathing of the author and their work, tearing what they've written to bits to relieve my feelings, but personal thoughts defining why I did or did not like it presented in a non-confrontational way and leaving the reader free to decide whether or not what bothers or interests me bothers or interests them.

Section four will be my 411 section. In it I will record {to the best of my recollection} anything I remember that might offend a potential reader: language, age-appropriate material, an overload of body-gazing, ect. I may or may not be specific depending upon the situation or how often it occurs within the book.

Section five will be for whatever else tumbles out on the page.

My goal with book reviews is to supply you with what I always want to be supplied with: an honest review that gives you facts about the book so you can make an informed decision on whether or not it is worth your time. I'm so honored that some of you were willing to take my non-recommendation as grounds enough to avoid Divergent, but I feel as if I should offer some facts - minus the scathing - so your decision is not based on my word alone.

Divergent Take 2 coming up next! 

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Saturday, April 5, 2014

Book Review: Divergent


Quickies
1 out of 5
Recommended: No
Categories: dystopian, easy reading, one-time reads

Review
The title misleads because this is not actually going to be a book review. Ladies, I read that book and let me tell you that I want so badly to write an absolutely scathing review. I want to whale into it and let everyone know just exactly why I dislike it. In fact, I did. I started to write a completely different review than the one I'm writing now.

I think now, though, that those righteous-rage opinions are best left unpublished.

I've written many negative reviews in the past. I've enjoyed writing them. I glory in tearing apart weak plots and cardboard characters and poker-stiff dialogue. As an aspiring writer, I'm quick to judge. I get angry when people like things that I personally consider poorly written and I burn to tell the whole world why they should never have been published.

But in those reviews my words aren't kind and, though my opinions are strong, they are critical and have the capacity to be hurtful. So as I planned my review for Divergent, I began to wonder why I had such a nagging sense that I shouldn't. I wanted to - very badly - but the more I wrote and thought about it, the more I felt that, as a Christian and a writer, I should shut up, live and let live. I took a break and gave it some thought and here's what I ended up with: is it really worth my time to throw my two cents into the pool of fans and haters and start a fire that isn't worth stoking? Will my words really do anything worthwhile?

No.

I can spend an hour or more writing a review that will turn people off or I can spend it more wisely writing something that won't polarize, criticize or draw lines. Those characters belong to someone who feels the way about them that I feel about mine. I may not agree with another author's writing style, I may question their motives and choices, I may be incensed by the fact that people find their work worth reading, but I don't need to give it voice. I'm entitled to my opinions, but unless they bring grace, I'm better off keeping them to myself.

So that's my review for Divergent. No, I wouldn't recommend it, but that's merely an opinion. Take it or leave it and form your own. :)

Till next time!  

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Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Be A Coal Heaper

I am a terrible arguer. I'm not usually the first to admit it, but I am. I get flustered and emotionally involved and when my temper is really up I make weak accusations that are easily deflected.

On the other hand, my siblings are great arguers. I don't know how they do it, but they tear my points apart like confetti and I always end up trying to figure out the best way to extricate myself from the situation with the least damage to my dignity.

One would think that I would have figured out "oh, just don't argue", but I'm also stubborn and quick-tempered. I don't mean to get into arguments but if pushed just a teensy bit too far I will wade into the fray.

Obviously, this bothers me - A LOT. I can't argue. I can't defend myself. I can't justify my temper because I always end up in the wrong. I'm just not smart that way. I used to wonder how I could become a better arguer {as if that would solve the problem...} but I never came up with a conclusive curriculum to follow.

And then today it occurred to me:

Why would I want to become a better arguer? As a Christian {and not speaking of persuasive or debate-style argumentation} I should have zero use for such a skill! There is absolutely no situation in a Godly life where a bolstered skill in "I'm right, you're wrong" argumentation should come in handy. I shouldn't take pride in destroying my opponent because I shouldn't be arguing at all!

Proverbs 25:21-22 says "if your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you."

I know this is a pretty obscure verse to pick out when discussing arguments {especially with verses like Proverbs 15:1 going around} but I personally think that coal heaping has a lot more context than food and water.

I hate it when I'm spoiling for a fight and my opponent refuses to be engaged. It's humiliating. There I am steaming like a kettle on the boil and they're as cool as a cucumber, taking the wind out of my sails and heaping coals of "this is how you should have responded to the situation" on my head.

The Holy Spirit doesn't miss a beat. If you take the wrong path, you're liable to get heaped with coals. So don't be the receptacle, be the heaper! Not only is it impossible to humiliate yourself by doing what's right, but you'll generally come out on top just by staying calm and also have nothing to regret or explain later on.

 Until next time!
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Friday, March 14, 2014

Book Review: The Ever-After Bird


Quickies
4 out of 5
Recommended for: Y/A Fiction
Categories: historical fiction/easy reads

Synopsis
(amazon.com)
Now that her father is dead, CeCe McGill is left to wonder why he risked his life for the ragged slaves who came to their door in the dead of night. When her uncle, an ornithologist, insists she accompany him to Georgia on an expedition in search of the rare scarlet ibis, CeCe is surprised to learn there's a second reason for their journey: Along the way, Uncle Alex secretly points slaves north in the direction of the Underground Railroad.
    
Set against the backdrop of the tumultuous pre-Civil War South, The Ever-After Bird is the story of a young woman's education about the horrors of slavery and the realization about the kind of person she wants to become.

Review
I love Ann Rinaldi. I have ever since I picked up The Staircase at the library when I was a young teen. I've made it a point to own nearly every book she's written. I've recommended her work to nearly all my friends. I've followed her heroines from the Civil War to modern day to the Revolutionary War to Mexico to the Salem Witch Trials to 17th century England and back again and enjoyed nearly every ride. She's that good.

But when I picked up The Ever-After Bird I wasn't so sure I would like it. With the past few books I've read by her, I've been slightly disappointed. I don't know if that's due to the fact that I'm growing up and her writing style {which is still fresh and excellent in the worst of times} hasn't or if she just lost her touch for a few books {understandable; she's written at least thirty} and I happened to read them all in a row. However, my sister mentioned that she had liked it, so I thought I'd give it a try. 

Plot
It has become clear that Ann's best relationships are older male mentor to a young {usually early teen} girl - either a sister or a ward. She's a past master at creating literary crushes {I find one in nearly every book} and her writing just can't be matched. She's SO creative with her words, her dialogue is never dull, her plots are solid, her premises intriguing, her research exhaustive. 

Thus she creates CeCe. 

{I'm not going to recreate the synopsis, so you'll just have to go back and read it if you're anything like me and just skimmed or skipped it}

To be honest, I didn't really notice the plot. It escalated gradually and came to a quiet climax. What was important was each little domino that fell in turn. Something like slavery, with all the stories and horrors, is hard to portray. It's really impossible to comprehend cruelty unless you are either present for it or experience it yourself. CeCe portrays this well - the confusion over her feelings about slavery and the slow horror she develops as she witnesses its reality. {In the author's note, Ann Rinaldi discloses that most of the things she has CeCe witness were actual documented happenings and that she even toned some of them down for her narrative}

Really, the plot is an even pattern of traveling, stopping at a plantation, unpleasant experience, more traveling, find something along the road, stop at another plantation, another unpleasant learning experience, Earline causes some sort of trouble, back on the road again, ect. Uncle Alex's ornithology and his warnings of the slaves aren't what's important here. However, it is interesting to see how each plantation operates and how each individual owner's view of their property is reflected in the treatment of their slaves.

There are a few slightly mature moments and conversations since CeCe is a growing girl who can't keep her mouth shut and Uncle Alex is a doctor and somehow it's common for them to discuss things that might make some girls uncomfortable to read. 

Overall, it had a promising start, but unraveled near the end into a rather anticlimactic finish. 


Characters
CeCe McGill 
CeCe is a delightfully and also frustratingly obnoxious Rinaldi heroine. She's very typical of the author in being headstrong, plain-spoken, stubborn and tending to idolize the male who has her charge. Not everything she does makes sense {which I think is more a weakness of plot than a weakness of character} but her heart is usually in the right place even if she does disobey her uncle at nearly every turn.
I found her observations about slavery to be very sound and interesting. Her thoughts on anything else were generally less sound and she had an annoying tendency to be very appropriately immature. However, her confusion over her own treatment and views of slaves were honest and thought-provoking. Forced by her circumstances to act as if she agreed with slavery and also to treat the slaves around her - Earline included - in keeping with those views, she grappled convincingly with the consequences of such power.

Uncle Alex
Rinaldi literary crush extraordinaire. Much less realistic than the Rinaldi heroes of yore, he comes off way to strong in the romantic category. 
The man can do no wrong. There is nothing wrong with him. He's the perfect mixture of handsome, strength, vulnerability, rightness, wrongness and excels at nearly every activity known to man.
 I didn't buy it this time.
However, his back story IS intriguing {wish there was more of it} and he does have a very good tongue in his head when it comes to interesting dialogue. 
He treats CeCe a little more leniently than is good for her {she could do, on several occasions, with a darn good spanking} and I'm not sure why he has no control whatsoever over Earline when she appears to worship the ground he walks on. 

Earline
Incredibly confusing. She was a former slave with an extraordinarily complex history. CeCe often complains of not being able to understand a thing she does, and I am in wholehearted agreement. I can't decide if she was really complex or if she was just allowed to do anything and everything she wanted because the author needed a little action in the plot. She seems like the type of character who would be difficult to control. 
Earline does, actually, provide nearly all of the action with her independent defiance of the boundaries between slaves and whites. She's the one who CeCe first must treat as a slave {a difficult feat after how she treats CeCe in Ohio where she's free}. She's the one who goes on and falls in love with a white man in the middle of the Deep South. She's the one who stubbornly does exactly what she's been told not to do and she's also the one who pays the steepest price {even though CeCe makes a solid second} when the climax eventually rolls around. 

Conclusion
This isn't Elsie Dinsmore or Anne of Green Gables. Rinaldi's characters are usually pretty gritty and defiant. They're not obedient, quiet or sweet. Thus there is some language, a lot of disobedience and gobs of literary crushes. But there's also solid history, real-life issues, realistic characters and a refreshing lack of picture-perfect scenarios. 

It's life - with a lot of great dialogue thrown in.  
  
Till next time!

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Tuesday, March 4, 2014

One Kind of Perfect {Part 1}


There's something amazing about God {pulled out from among the infinite ways He is GOOD and faithful and loving} that is hard and wonderful and mind-blowing.

How He refuses to let us continue in our sin.

Just thinking about that makes my head twist. First of all He created us. We messed that up good. Second of all, He died for us. We can't accept it without trying to earn it. Third of all {it makes you wonder how He can keep on bothering} He continues to bail us out. Because this, this ladies, is a God who CARES.

I confess that I am not good at catching on. When something goes wrong, God's goodness is the first thing out the window. Then He's subjected to a lot of worrying, fretting, complaining, ect. because I've got to fix this. Me. I'm gonna figure out what the dickens is wrong and make it work again.

Not so, as the Psalmist says, the wicked.

Because the very thing I'm trying to fix - trying to make go away - is what God is using to teach me the truth that will bring me one step closer to Him.

You'd think by now I would have figured this pattern out, but I haven't.

Take, for example, last month.

You know how it says in Proverbs 31 that "charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised"?

Do you want to know how badly I screwed that one up?

When I was younger, my mom always called me "average" - which I took to mean that I wasn't as thin as my sister and probably a little overweight - and I was. I didn't like it, but I was too lazy to change.

A little less than a year ago, I started running {consistently}, came across the idea of portion control, and made healthier food choices. That's all. It's amazing what just those three things can do. I lost 13 pounds and had to get new jeans and ditch some of my skirts. People noticed. It felt GOOD.

Now before you get the wrong idea about where I'm going with this: no, this isn't a story about anorexia. When it comes to that, this is me:


However, as that 'success' went to my head and gave me the wrong idea about my image, I turned twenty and my dad lifted the ban on makeup.

It was fun at first. I didn't really need it, but it made me look just that much better. It wasn't until I realized that I didn't feel pretty without it that the problem began.

You've already heard {well briefly} the saga of the eyelashes. Now I will tell you the saga of the skin.

 See, I usually have pretty clear skin. It's always been {I'll be honest} a point of pride and a comparison mark for me. I got the occasional breakout, but hey, what is coverup for? In February, however, it didn't stop. My face was a mess. Even my dad {my dad!} noticed. He asked me {with considerable bluntness} "what happened to your complexion?"

I was devastated.

My father had noticed those red blotches all over my face. Great Scott, was there a lower depth to be plumbed? I was losing my beauty! Coverup wasn't making a dent. I couldn't figure out what was causing it. I became the mirror's face, I looked in it so often. I would literally stand there for minutes on end and bemoan my skin - and my eyelashes {which were acting up again. If it doesn't rain, it pours} And of course I compared myself to other girls.

*sigh* I remember when my skin used to look like that...

Does she know how lucky she is to have such thick eyelashes?

Phew, at least my complexion isn't that bad.   

I wonder how much makeup she uses to get that look?

I suppose if you guys haven't all had the same thoughts at one point, you'd probably stop reading now.

But there's more.

The world has this standard called 'beauty' and it's all on the outside. It's funny how we fall so easily for the pictures on the magazine covers without remembering that not even the models and actresses on those covers look that way in real life.

Now I know that unless I am an airbrushed model on a magazine cover, I will never look like an airbrushed model on a magazine cover. That's just the way it is. I can't Photoshop my face while it's still attached to my body so there's certainly no hope for me in that quarter. And, normally, I'm ok with that.

But when that precedent slips and I don't catch myself and remember that only the world defines beauty as what's on the outside, I find myself caught in the trap that says "this is beauty and there is no other. How much will you sacrifice to attain it?"

Apparently, a lot.

It wasn't so much what I was doing to my face {I'm not really comfortable with more than a smidgen of makeup} but my mindset when I looked in the mirror. It sounds silly, but you can become obsessed with how you could look.

I looked in the mirror and that became my focus. How can I get back what I used to have? How can I make this a face that will make me want to look again? Will I ever be able to see myself and be satisfied?

That's what scared me the most. I was no longer satisfied by what I saw in the mirror. I had set a new standard for myself, based on unattainable things, and I couldn't reach it.

I couldn't be the beautiful that gave me worth on it's merits alone.

It was all out horrible and I hated it, but I felt trapped. I had picked up the world's measuring stick and allowed it to set my standards of worth. Breaking out of those standards - letting go of the ideal of "perfection" - was suddenly unthinkable. I wanted out, but I couldn't give up the idea that there was no going back and being content with the way things used to be.

I was stuck wanting - and never getting - that 'more'.

And that is the sad, pathetic struggle of this story. Part 2 will come {with all due hope} next week.

Till next time!
  
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Saturday, February 15, 2014

Break: Olympic Style

Hello there!

Just checking in briefly so you know I'm still alive. {That's actually a cover-up for the fact that I'm cheating shamelessly by counting this as my post for the week}

It's been a busy...umm...25 (25?? Are you kidding?} days since my last post, as I am currently arranging my schedule around the Olympics so that {if at all possible} the only things I miss are ads and figure skating. I hope most of you have been watching, because it's totally worth the sacrifice of sleep and free time {and blogging...}.

I have been trying to multi-task while I watch and am here to report that, as of yet, I am not caught up in my journaling, writing or reading. I have, however, tried three new teas, seen every single ad at least twenty times, done my taxes and still have no idea how they score the figure skating so that only the Americans who wipe out actually get low scores for it.

Such is life.

I've weathered greater disappointments, thankfully.

The tea was delicious though. And the American sweep in Slopestyle Skiing {which still boggles my mind. How on earth are they doing that??}

I'm such a prejudiced viewer. I don't care how well anyone else did, I always think the Americans should have won.

Is that prejudiced or patriotic?

I'm not sure.

Until next time - go Team USA!

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Monday, January 20, 2014

14 Things I've Learned in 2014

Thus far, 2014 has proven to be an incredibly interesting year. I can't remember a time in my life where so many things clicked and the lessons taught came with such sobering side-effects that they stuck and are continuing to stick. Not all of these lessons began in 2014, but since that doesn't flow with the title of this post, I'll just pretend. December was a struggle anyway, so having the outcomes occur in January was sweetly encouraging.

 1. Tearing others down tears you down as well

2. Not washing off mascara is incredibly detrimental to your eyelashes

3. Blog resolutions take conscious effort to keep

4. If you take yourself too seriously, no one else will

5. Sleeping with your arms above your head is stressful on your rotator cuff {alas!}

6. A soft answer DOES turn away wrath

7. The Ten Commandments are not just a list of rules. Behind every one is a God who knows how much sin damages us.

8. Thinking before you speak can make you miss the moment, but it also leaves you with less regrets. Not everything thought needs to be said - witty or otherwise.

9. Encouraging younger siblings is infinitely better than ignoring them {and gets you help with the laundry}

10. Looking for love in everything God does transforms hard things into overwhelming blessings

11. Rubbing olive oil on your eyelids every night before you go to bed helps your eyelashes get thicker and longer {at least it does if you haven't been washing your mascara off and really ravaged them}

12. Defusing situations helps you control situations. You can't choose how people speak to you, but you can choose how you respond to them.

13. The wisdom with which Jesus answered the Pharisees is yours for the asking. However, you can't ask and then ignore the answer - no matter how much you don't like it.

14. Week days aren't just stepping stones to weekends. Each day can be great if your attitude is one that remembers every moment is an opportunity to bring glory to God.

Till next time! 

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Monday, January 6, 2014

Something That I Want

Are any of you familiar with the song that played while the credits rolled after the Disney princess movie Tangled ended?

It's by Grace Potter; entitled {tada!} Something That I Want. The rather catchy chorus taking up the song goes like this:

Something that I want
Something that I tell myself I need
Something that I want
And I need everything I see


I don't like this song. Mainly because I think it's unimaginative and pointless, but also because it makes an awful sort of sense if you look hard enough at the first two lines. 

Because there's something that I want.

And I've gotten so used to wanting it that...well, yes...it became a need.

I pushed it away at first - the wanting - but as time went on I forgot the wisdom of trust and began to lean on my own understanding.

I stopped waiting for God and decided that if anything was going to be accomplished, I was going to have to step in and do a little work.

And that, my friends, was a horrible idea.

Because the funny thing about wants is that they can be castles in the air. And the funny thing about castles in the air is how easily the cracks, shudders and non-existent foundation can be ignored, smoothed over, and excused. It shifts a little and you rationalize it. It crumbles a smidge on the corner, the one right near the west wall, and you lose a little mortar, but you bandage a comforting explanation over it and the weakness is covered up. Maybe a tower topples in and you reel a bit, but time heals all wounds and soon you don't even remember it was there. And so you worry your disintegrating little want along; wondering why it won't stand like you built it. Why there is no foundation even though you've tried to make one. And why, for heaven's sake why, won't everything stay put and one day be real? And it isn't until that day when the last brick gives way and you see the rubble and wreckage at your feet and are left scrambling for a reason for it all that the dust clears and you lay eyes on the last thing you ever expected.

God - with a sledgehammer in His hands.

When your eyes brim with tears and you sob with whatever it is you feel: anger, grief, hurt, loss, humiliation at the hands of the thing you put your faith in, gave your heart to, defined your dreams with, you can either sit in that rubble and try to rebuild it, or you can leave it behind and go the the man with the hammer and ask Him why He used it.

There's only one answer you need.

It's love.

Love tore down those walls and broke the towers. Love shifted the air beneath that tenuous, trembling floor and watched it collapse.

And love understands how much it hurts to stand in the rubble.

Because, sometimes, love hurts.

But a castle in the air is too dangerous a place for a God who loves to let you live - especially when the most frightening place He wants you to be is square in the palm of His hand.

So when you ask why your dreams don't come true and what's wrong with your plans and wouldn't this be grand? He smiles with the knowing that softens His eyes and gently cups your chin.

"There's something that I want," He says.

"Something that I want and it's better than that. I know you don't understand now, but the dreams you build aren't big enough, strong enough, or good enough for you. I created you for a reason so just wait and see what I've got in store. Remember that I made water into wine. Famine into feast. Sickness into health. Death into life. Don't be afraid to let Me build your dreams. After all, I'm a master of foundations."

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them..."

- Ephesians 2:10 -

'Til next time!
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Monday, December 23, 2013

Chosen

I thought perhaps I wouldn't have time {or inspiration} this year for a pre-Christmas post, but now with both in hand, I'll give it a go and hope it gives you something to think about as you prepare for Christmas Eve.

I Choose You
When everyone around you sees an ordinary life
Fit for nothing more than common dreams
I can see the stars of Heaven shining in your eyes
Soon the world will hear the angels sing

Mary, I know it's hard to understand
You hold the light of the world in your hands

I choose you to bring the world a Savior
I choose you to bring the world a King
I choose you to be the arms of love that hold the answer
For the world to see my promises come true
I choose you

I know there are many questions weighing on your mind
What is becoming of your life?
Oh, just remember I have called you to leave your fears behind
To walk by faith and not by sight

Mary, I know it's all a mystery
My hand is leading if you'll only believe

I choose you to bring the world a Savior
I choose you to bring the world a King
I choose you to be the arms of love that hold the answer
For the world to see my promises come true
I choose you

And he shall be called Emmanuel
Wonderful, Prince of Peace

I choose you to bring the world a Savior
I choose you to bring the world a King

I choose you to be the arms of love that hold the answer
For the world to see my promises come true
I choose you

I choose, I choose you
For the world to see my promises come true
For the world to see my love come shining, I

I choose you...

Every year, this song is sung during the last Advent service at my church. Every year I love it, but only this year did I realize that the words are not reserved solely for Mary, or Mary's circumstances, or Mary's calling by God. 

In fact - aside from the physical acts of carrying the baby for nine months, giving birth and raising him when he was a child - what God asked of Mary is identical to what He asks of me, you, and every Christian on earth. In the words of the song, it was like a puzzle coming together in my head.

When everyone around you sees an ordinary life
Fit for nothing more than common dreams
I can see the stars of Heaven shining in your eyes
Soon the world will hear the angels sing.
Mary, I know it's hard to understand
You hold the light of the world in your hands.

I've often wondered the same thing: what can an ordinary, not exceptionally bold, constantly sinning human like me do for a God who created the universe and holds it spinning in His hand? It is hard to understand that we are called by God - not because we desired Him, but because He desired us - and He has given us the Light of the World. To hold in our hands for all to see.

I choose you to bring the world a Savior
I choose you to bring the world a King
I choose you to be the arms of love that hold the answer
For the world to see my promises come true
I choose you...

I know there are many questions weighing on your mind
What is becoming of your life?
Oh, just remember I have called you to leave your fears behind
To walk by faith and not by sight

Mary, I know it's all a mystery
My hand is leading if you'll only believe

The angel Gabriel came to Mary and said "Greetings, you who are highly favored; the Lord is with you!" 
Highly favored.
Those words are not solely for Mary either. She was chosen to carry the Son of God for nine months, to bear the scorn of those who refused to believe the truth, to give birth in the cold with only Joseph to help - a man with absolutely no experience in any of the areas she most needed. Yet we, as undeserving but perhaps not as humble or willing, are also chosen to bring the Savior to a confused and desperate world.
 
To bring a King to those who have lost control of their lives. 

To be the arms of His love, reaching out with the only answer that will heal and make whole. 

To prove that the words God has spoken will not return to Him empty.

And we're confused and questioning too. Why this? Why that? What is happening to the life I had under control, organized and planned out?

Why me?

Because we are not chosen to keep this great light to ourselves.We are chosen to believe in something so much bigger than ourselves. To believe it with such tenacity and abandon that we'll do the seemingly illogical and walk forward in faith, not seeing, but only believing, that He who began this good work in us will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.  

And in those words is our greatest hope: that we have not been called in vain. That the God who chose us for reasons we don't understand will also use us in ways we cannot imagine. 

Merry Christmas! 

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Thursday, December 12, 2013

What It Means: Christmas Edition!

So despite the fact that I was apparently jealous of Rudolph's nose without being aware of it and my body taking matters into its own hands and contracting a cold to satisfy this envious need, I promised a post this week and a post you all shall have! {While I glug mint tea and force myself to wean off the Kleenex and eat spoonfuls of honey and cinnamon in an all out effort to shake this thing before the weekend hits...}

I am at war against these mutant germs.

But we can speak of cheerfuller things! {Like my shock that "cheerfuller" is not spellchecked by blogger, but "spellchecked" is??}

Ah well.

So with a snowstorm {our first real one of the year} hitting during church on Sunday and the news reports of 60, 40 and 15 car accidents on the freeways nearby forcing us to cancel our weekly Ultimate Frisbee get-together, the eleven of us were all at home for the day with a bare Christmas tree standing in the corner. After watching the Green Bay Packers win their first game in 5 weeks {!!} we hauled the Christmas decorations from the attic and set to work.

This all sounds quaint and joyful and Christmas-cardish, I know, but the very cozy and festive can quickly become arguments and chaos when 9 people of various ages {and stations on the proverbial totem pole} are involved. In this house, Christmas decorating means:

...complete dismantling and stowage of most everyday knick-knacks {whether we remembered owning them or not} to make way for the overload of Christmas knick-knacks...


....string after string of burnt out lights that no one wants to mess with and we forgot to replace at Home Depot's after-Christmas sale last year...

...ceremonial smashing {accidental, of course} of at least three ornaments. I think it may have been more this year, due to The Incident....

...ceremonial loss {unintentionally, of course} of at least two tempers...

...Christmas music playing in the background {in an attempt to be festive and traditional} that no one is listening to...

...segmented garland because Thing 5 and Thing 6 decided to play tug-of-war with it...

...3/4's of the ornaments placed on the front of the tree...

...honorary arrangement of our traditional clay and pewter creches...


<----- {including a charming tour of our collection of Royal Diaries and Heroes of the Faith books...}






...tinsel draped over lampshades and wrapped around several Things pretending to be the Ghost of Christmas Present {Ebeneeeezer Scroooogeee...Come in and know me better, man!}...

...trauma over the fact that we're using LED bulbs on the tree this year {partly due to missing the after Christmas sale last year}...

...snowman ornaments dangling over the table in an attempt to disguise the fact that we have one of the ugliest light fixtures designed by man...


 ...numerous jokes and laughter at the expense of the contents of the ornament tins as we remember old favorites and reevaluate the chucky-chuckies {our pet name for the ornaments that nobody knows why we still have but manage to get packed away after Christmas each year} before hanging them on the tree...

An old family favorite. Who doesn't want a
biological impossibility hanging on their
Christmas tree??
Chucky-Chucky.
Aside from that, we're not sure what it's supposed to be...
...Things 6-9 feeling free to jump on the furniture because no one really cares at this point what they're doing so long as it's not breaking more ornaments or falling into the tree...

...nearly packing away the ceramic handbell Mom painted in grade school...

{I don't think I'm allowed to post pictures of that}

...Rudolph, Randy and Rhonda gracing the top of the bookshelf once again...


...the empty stable on top of the rolltop desk...

Radewahn family tradition: each piece of the
nativity is hidden by Dad {generally in places
they'll be discovered if we do our chores}
and as Christmas approaches, the stable fills with
magi, shepherds, animals, and, of course,
Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. We came
very close one year to celebrating Christmas
with an empty manger when Jesus went missing
for longer than expected.
...leaving it all lit and behind as we exit as one to the basement... 

The tree in all its controversially LED'd, ornamented and garlanded glory
And that is my post for the week! Take it with my sincere hopes that this post has made you feel warm and fuzzy and smug about your own traditional, peaceful and orderly decorating experiences. 

Until next time!
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Friday, December 6, 2013

St. Nick's Fuzzy Socks

Hello! If you didn't know {or care} that today is officially St. Nicholas day, I am the charming elf who either did or did not inform you of this news {depending on how you feel about this sort of unnecessary holiday}.

Normally {as in never, ever, ever} I have not celebrated St. Nick's day or honestly cared that it's come and gone each year {we still get mail, so I'm not complaining}.

But when St. Nick's day means red, sparkly {sparkly, people!!} fuzzy socks, then I am definitely all in.

   {Photography: Elizabeth Radewahn. The model is wearing socks by airplus.}

This particular pair was given to me by one of the secretaries at my office and they are super snuggly and infused with aloe and vitamin E {yeah, not sure what that's doing, but hey, the more the merrier!}.

I don't know who the genius was who decided to start infusing socks with vitamins and minerals, but since we seem to be handing it out to just anyone these days, I would say they deserve the Nobel Prize. And a great big thank you from fuzzy sock wearers everywhere.

Happy St. Nicks!

Ciao Bella! 
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P.S. The fun doesn't stop here! Look below: another new post! 

Thursday, December 5, 2013

NaNo Spoilers!

Well, I got 15,000 words. I'd throw confetti, but it's been more than a week since I actually finished and I'd have to vacuum it up, so I'll just have a little celebration here to share with you:

Yeehaw!

There. We can finally move on with our lives. You can finish reading this post, I can plan my next one, and we can pick up where we left off as if I haven't missed a whole entire month of posting {please?}.

So...

I always feel awkward sharing excerpts of my NaNo success because I feel that, out of context, what I'd share would be horribly out of context.

And I don't know why my computer keeps freezing up mid-sentence, but it's really weird to type away madly and then have all the words tumble out onto the page a few seconds later.

What were we talking about?

My tea is gone.

:{

Without further ado, and despite the fact that you will have to take the following with a shaker of salt, here are a few samples of my NaNo endeavors to prove that I did not take a month off of posting because I was completely lacking in inspiration, circumstances and topics to gab about.

On to my title-less novel!

To my chagrin, the Morrells were not waiting for me, which meant that after he had instructed the driver in the proper transferal of my trunks from the carriage to the depot, Edwin found a seat for me near the office and proceeded to keep me company as we waited. I promptly annoyed him by fretting that they would miss the train.
“They’re Americans, Jocelyn,” he reminded me impatiently. “Did you expect them to be prompt?”
I tightened my hold on my handbag. “That’s an awfully rude thing to say about your own cousins,” I observed, craning my neck to look down the road.
“Only in the eyes of the law,” Edwin said darkly. “Thankfully we’re spared the social connections out of pity for our unfortunate association.”
I rolled my eyes. Edwin, who had been pacing two steps in one direction and two steps back, turned suddenly on his heel and commandeered my attention. “There’s still time to change your mind, Jocelyn,” he said. “Do give this mad plan another thought before you rush headlong into it.”

“I’m quite decided, thank you,” I returned, primly. “Would you mind standing to the side? You’re obstructing my view of the road.” 



The bell above the door of Mr. Pembrook’s offices jangled its announcement of our arrival as Nathanael, Sallie and I fit ourselves into the small waiting space. It rang again as Nathanael realized that the short train of Sallie’s skirt had not quite made a complete entrance with her and applied himself to the rescue with matter-of-fact good breeding.
Mr. Pembrook, looking much older than when I had last laid eyes on him, came out to greet us.
“Lady Jocelyn,” he said, shaking his head with a smile as he recognized me. “My, what a lovely young woman has grown out of the girl who used to come with her grandfather to eat my peppermints.”
I laughed, remembering how he’d always had a paper sack of the candies for me on those long visits.
“Mr. Pembrook, it’s so lovely to see you again.” I held out my hand and he shook it warmly.
  “And who have you brought with you today?” he asked, looking beyond me to Sallie and Nathanael.
I introduced my friends and he invited us into his office. We ranged around his desk and I told him our business.
“A copy of your grandfather’s will?” he repeated, mildly surprised.
“Yes, I–” I caught myself, realizing that I hadn’t thought of an excuse as to under what circumstances I would need such a thing. “I would like to look into some legal matters.”
If that wouldn’t raise his suspicion I didn’t know what would. Now that I thought of it, there wasn’t a very logical reason why I would ever need to look at the will.



I gave up trying to suppress my feelings and turned to look out the window as the London I knew faded and slowly turned into a nondescript and tumbledown imitation of architecture. I stared at the wreck and ruin, wondering how human beings could be allowed to live in such quarters, and tried to imagine my brother growing up on these streets. Surely he wasn’t like the ragged little urchins who turned to watch us go by, wiping their running noses on dirty sleeves or the huddled figures hunched against the smoke-blackened walls of a burned out tenement. I realized now what Nathanael had meant when he told me not to get my hopes too high. If this was where Will was raised, he would probably view me as an insult to–
Outside, the driver gave a sudden shout and the carriage swerved to the right, spilling us all to the side. I caught at the bar and righted myself in time to see a ragtag boy leap nimbly out of the horses’ path, laughing in a devil-may-care fashion and tossing his head to whip the shaggy, matted hair out of his eyes.
I turned to Nathanael, wide-eyed. “Is that some sort of game?” I asked. “He did it on purpose!”
Nathanael scanned the roadway and shrugged. “It might be best not to look out the window,” he said, reaching over and drawing the shade. “They don’t take well to strangers – especially our kind of strangers.”
I settled back in the muted darkness and contented myself in counting the dips and bumps in the road as we moved closer and closer to the river. I didn’t have a very keen sense of geography, but not even the seals on the doors could shut out the smell of rotting fish and refuse that lapped against the banks of the Thames. I was contemplating whether or not I had put enough scent on my handkerchief for this undertaking when we came to an abrupt halt and rocked back against an especially large rut. For a brief moment, I thought we had hit one of the daredevils cavorting in our path, but Nathanael nodded and reached for the door latch.
“Here we are,” he announced, getting out and looking around him. “Josie,” he pitched his voice lower, “stay close to me.”


The door was opened by a grim looking woman in an old-fashioned calling cap. The severity of her expression was not in keeping with the sunbeam ruffles that framed her face and the whole effect came off rather like a corpse at a wedding.
“May I help you?” Her tone did not signify that she would in any way be gratified to offer us assistance, but rather a resigned acceptance of the fact that we would not be gotten rid of unless she did.
“Yes, thank you.” Paul, who had accompanied us in the stead of Mr. Morrell – Nathanael believing that he would be more help after witnessing his father’s display of his brand of assistance – spoke first. “We would like to see the manager of this establishment, if you would be so kind as to announce us.”
“He’s in his office,” the crypt spoke, as if we ought to have known and should be ashamed of ourselves for needing to ask.
Paul smiled smoothly – the sort he wore when he was about to deliver the final blow to his opponent’s case. “Then would you be so kind as to show us the way?”
Her mouth turned down dourly.
“Might I ask the nature of your business? Mr. Larrimore hasn’t the time for social calls.”
I caught Nathanael’s eye and saw his conspiratorial smile.
“This isn’t,” Paul responded. “And if you wouldn’t mind, I believe our business will keep until we see him.”
I didn’t think it possible for her mouth to tighten any further, but she defied my disbelief and managed it without any apparent discomfort.
“Come this way.”
She turned and Nathanael caught the door before it closed in our faces. My hopes that Bethnal Green was run in keeping with the admonishment on the plaque beneath its name did not enter the building with me as I followed Paul inside.
Once inside, I realized that perhaps the woman had not come by her dourness naturally. As I took in the sagging floors and peeling walls and discolored ceilings I could see how a certain stiffening of the soul might be expected. It was cold too. The sharpness of the air bit into my skin, cutting through the layers with ease.
“Charming, isn’t it?” Nathanael whispered in my ear as he caught up.
“I don’t see how he could become too attached,” I whispered back. “The garden shed at Gilchrest seems more welcoming.”
“And your aunt and cousins better company,” he grinned, nodding surreptitiously at the ramrod back of our guide.
Paul turned his head and gave us a reproving look, but his eyes didn’t scold. I was afraid if I didn’t joke and tease I would burst apart with suppressed anxiety. 

I promise that this is all my original work and, even though you can't copy it, you enjoyed it. :D

And now I must take my leave until next week. I promise I will post again next week.

Tood-a-loo!

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