The Darkness After Dawn

Ironic that my non-recognized blog hiatus should unintentionally end exactly a month after my last post.

I shall contemplate that as I go...

It happened again this morning. I have a no-snooze rule with my alarm clock and I've never used the button. Instead, I allow myself to doze for five or ten minutes and my body keeps track.

Today I gave myself five extra minutes and spent them worrying.

Worrying about something so irrational and illogical I can almost see Jesus shaking His head in bemused wonderment and the devil sitting in disbelief that I am actually falling for this.

I could feel that all-familiar panic rise. The 'what ifs' and 'how wills' that always accompany my fears. I've got to have a plan for follow-through in case these three scenarios actually do come true at the exact same time with the exact same devastating results so that I will know how to deal with them.

I can't let go of these fears until I have a foolproof plan with which I can stare them down.

Never mind about "all things work together for good" or "I know the plans I have for you" or "that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion". What good are those promises in the face of my all-consuming, life-or-death worries about a future that I know nothing about?

This is serious stuff.

And yet...

When I worry, I fail to take into consideration the goodness of my God.

When I worry, it's always black as black can be. Worst case scenarios. Death, poverty, famine, drought and pestilence. The whole nine yards and more.
In the blink of an eye, my future can become a horrific thing. And I panic because I can't handle this. I can't plan around it. I can't fix or control it. It's out to get me and I can't stop it.

And I feed it. Envisioning horror upon horror and compounding my fears until they're so lifelike that I convince myself they're real. This is what I'm headed for.

Never once before had it occurred to me to say "Hey! What about God's goodness? Why is that never in the future? Why is it only black and awful and full of unsolvable problems (a lot like geometry, but without the book)?"

When my consideration of His goodness is so fragile that I can be easily taken in by the most irrational fears, it's time to do some serious praying and soul-searching.

The promises are there - and they're very real - but if we don't consider them true, then they're only words on a page and empty of power.

 Worry leaves when we understand the reality of the goodness of God.

And that it is not solely reserved to our pasts.

Till next time!

Surely

{from}

God is good, they said, all the time. All the time, they said, God is good.

It was a chant I learned in the teen girls' group at a family conference. The leaders would shout out the first part and whoever was paying attention at the time would shout back the second half. Then, in the hopes that everyone was by now aware that the next session was starting, they would shout "All the time!" and we were supposed to respond "God is good!"

Which we did. Loud and clear. How else would they know that we'd stopped whispering to our friends for at least five seconds?

There's something about catchy, one-liners. They stick with you through thick and thin and often don't mean much - or at least they don't until they're taken out of context.

As an attention-grabber, this was Scriptural, easy to remember and sounded good if someone is passing by the open window.

It never really sank in at all at the time. Of all the things I learned over those four or five days, it was not "God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good."

In fact, I'm only just learning it now.

I was recently chatting with a friend on the phone and she recited a quote for me that she said she'd never forgotten.

Anything we receive from God that is not damnation is grace

To be honest, the thought had never occurred to me. That anything, anything - sickness, disaster, heartbreak, loss - whatever I think is so bad that I blame God for allowing it to happen, as long as it is not what I absolutely deserve - separation from Him forever - it is His grace. His goodness. His love.

He didn't have to give me health.

But He did.

He didn't have to put three good jobs in my lap.

But He did.

He didn't have to give me my family, friends or wonderful life.

But He did.

He didn't have to give me a headful of stories to love.

But He did.

He had no obligation to call me His child.

But He does.


When I look at the many times I've reproached Him for the things He's done; the times I've complained about my "tough life"; the times I've not even thought to stop and take a second to thank Him for anything - I am ashamed.

He has not pushed me away. Instead, He has sent His goodness to pursue me and His mercy to follow me all the days of my life, until I dwell with Him in His house forever.

God is good, all the time.
All the time, God is good!

Until next time!

Not Dead, Only MIA

I tried to post tonight. I really did. I am so mad at myself for not being able to write a single, blessed thing and I just want to dig a hole and bury myself away until this word-drought ends and my creativity comes back.

I'm not taking a blog break. I'm not redesigning anything. I'm just shriveling up inside because my world of words is crumbling and I can't do anything but watch it fall.

Some of you, I'm sure, know how this feels.

Like the worst thing in the world. Like life suddenly went from color to black and white. Like you just lost ten best friends because they won't speak a civil word to you. Like you've been betrayed by people you thought you could trust.

Yes, I am being over-dramatic.

And this too shall pass.

I promise to post soon.

Thank you for still following; you're all the best.

Love,