Watching You

So I'm in the library, I'm supposed to be researching cattle ranching, but instead I'm writing a blog - which is infinitely more interesting. You can only read about roundups and cowponies and cowboys for just so long when they populate a non-fiction setting. Though I personally don't really care for cowboy/wild west novels, which  brings up the question: Why are you writing one? Believe me, I don't know. I'm still working on the question: Why did you start a blog? I don't know that either. I'm beginning to wonder if anyone is reading this besides myself, but, doggedly, I'll still type it up for my own amusement.

I actually have a semblance of a topic today (I feel like I should toss some confetti, but it's only my third post, so I suppose a topic-less beginning is all right). I like to ramble, so whole blogs, dedicated to one real topic, will most likely be few and far between. I only have one today because of the sermon at church yesterday.

I'm Watching You 

That sounds creepy and stalker-ish, but it's not. It starts out like this. We had a supply yesterday (because our pastor goes on vacation a lot) and he showed this video before he started his sermon. (I must admit that I felt like crying when I watched it, which is rare. I don't cry much, but pair meaningful words with soft music, and I'll start blinking a lot.) 

Anyway, if you watched the video, you'll understand what my topic is. I'm nobody's dad, but I am quite a few somebodies' sister. I need to be reminded a lot that there are many eyes looking up to me for guidance and direction. Beside that video (and the sermon that followed it), I've been reading a book called "Joyfully at Home" by Jasmine Bauchman, which has been driving the point home lately, that as an older sister, I need to make sure my influence to my younger siblings is something worth their respect. More often than not, I am ashamed to admit, I blow my opportunities to be something special in their lives without a backward glance. My youngest brother especially. He's at that stage where the hobbies haven't really kicked in, he's constantly doing something he shouldn't (like terrorizing his sister with a sleeping bag), and he's constantly asking ME to do something with HIM! This was (and still is, at times) a great annoyance to me. If I told him once, I told him a thousand times that no, I do not want to play Candyland, no, I don't play Stratego (EVER. I abhor that game because my flag always seems to be one of the first pieces that's challeneged), no, I don't want to play Guess Who, I don't want to trade stickers (we did it only yesterday, so how could you have any new ones anyway?), I don't want to get out a gerbil for you and will you please leave your sister alone? I'm trying to get something accomplished here, for pete's sake! He would always get that disappointed look on his face and I would roll my eyes and turn back to my book or writing or whatever it was that I happened to be doing at the time, knowing that my refusal wouldn't stay on his mind for long. He would be back for more, and I would say "no" again. (He's usually the only one who asks me to do something with him, by the way. The rest of my siblings are a little more self-sufficient.)

But lately I've been realizing what it is I'm doing when I say no. When I exercise my "right" to do what I want, I am not only being a shabby example to my siblings, who then say "Well, SHE told him no, so why shouldn't I?" I am also portraying to my brother that I have no desire to be a part of his life and that I would rather read a book then spend time with him. 

Ich.

That is not how I want to be viewed. 

So, I decided to change things. Through prayer, teaching from God and others, and a load of patience, I've tentatively become more attuned to the promptings of the Holy Spirit in that area. I've learned that if you let the Holy Spirit speak, he'll SPEAK, and it's not always something you want to hear. Once I resolved to spend more time with my siblings (but that brother especially), God, with his sense of humor, sent along many opportunities to make good on that resolution. I still refuse to play Stratego, but I've found a sort of fiendish charm in Candyland and Guess Who.  Sometimes, it's not even playing a game that God asks you to do. Sometimes He just wants you to talk to your sibling, or praise their achievements or just take a little time to delve into their interests. 

Even though I fail to see the merit in putting together a LEGO firetruck (which I've already made twice and know will get broken again), it means an astonishing something to my little brother. And even though I am a very cynical person, I've found that finding something to praise in my sibling's work and actually voicing that praise will raises me up in their eyes much faster than a few "helpful" remarks or experienced "hints" ever did. I'll never forget the crushed look in one of my sister's eyes when I unfeelingly squelched an idea that she had thought up by callously pointing out all the loopholes and "what ifs". Every jot of her excitement drained away and she got bitter and defensive. I felt terrible, but did little to patch it up. Now, I regret that and wonder how on earth I could have been so cruel. 

It's difficult to understand sometimes how much these little ones look up to you as their older sibling. They really do crave your interest and approval (and, if you can, your participation makes everything more fun for them). They're watching you to see how you react to them and to others and they'll copy you, because you're older, and what you do is what they consider mature and acceptable. I know I've been copied, and I'm afraid it's not always been something I"m proud to have passed on. Being an example to look up to is a very difficult thing to be at times (I probably don't have to tell you that), but it is so worth it in the end when you can look at your brothers and sisters and know that you have done your best to show them how to walk in a way that is pleasing to God. 

'Till next time,

-- Jamie