Wrenches

Wow, I feel productive. I'm actually not writing on a Wednesday and I'm a day early! And I actually have a specific topic to share!

Is it just me or does something feel seriously wrong here?

Let me check and make sure the moon isn't full and the world isn't ending.

So, to begin...

Last night I was in bed thinking about the week I had ahead of me. Behind me, Monday morning/afternoon I had already put another day of skills in the books and studied for an hour the material for the test this morning.  I was thinking ahead about the test and studying for the skills on Wednesday and my fist clinical on Thursday and some plans my friends and I were making for Friday and Saturday and in and around those activities.

As usual, I was organizing my upcoming week and deciding when and where I would do this and that and how I would fit studying in, when I would go shopping for clinical supplies, when I would pack lunches for all these things, when I would talk to people about schedules, when I would get a shower in (yes, I do plan that too...), when I should get up in the mornings to get to clinicals, where I'll put the things I need, when I'll pack the things I need and where I'll leave them and the list could go on. 

I'll spare you, though.

I like my life to be organized and planned out. I like to know what I'm doing and when I'm doing it. And that's not a  bad thing. Not if you don't let your plans overtake your life. 

That's my problem.

I've become so excessive in my planning, so exact about the order in which things will happen that I panic when the smallest thing intrudes in my life. I frantically rearrange my schedule to accommodate the new disturbance and find another level of organization. Another groove where I control everything and everything happens according to plan. 

James 4:13-15 sums this up perfectly:

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."  

It's not the planning for the future that's wrong. It's the leaving God's will out of the picture. It's the grasp I have on my life, the control, that I won't give up. That's the problem. 

I'm so focused on what I'm doing next, what's next on the agenda, that I am literally ignoring all else until my work is finished. Brothers and sisters get yelled at for interrupting, frustration builds when chores need to be done in the middle of what I want to do, people get cut off because their conversations take too long and I need to get on to the next thing, I get stressed out because I can't control annoyances and they interrupt and bother me. I have such a tight grip on life that a wrench in my plans can send me into a tizzy. 

And God knows it. I've allotted Him a half hour in the morning and even that has a strict routine to it. I read this and this and this and this and then I review this and memorize this. It's so strict that I'll rush through a passage just to stay on track and I don't stop anymore to savor the words. 

I can't. 

I have to stay on schedule, here, Lord! 

So, basically what God showed me last night (once He got through the tangle of Jell-O pudding cups, plastic spoons, study hours, alarm settings and other planning-oriented things that were churning in my brain) was that  when I have such a tight grip on my schedule, I don't give Him any room to work in my life. 

The things He sends my way are ignored in the interests of my schedule, the blessings He tries to bestow through Scripture go unnoticed or are rushed by, the gifts I should be writing down get a perfunctory look and a rushed "thanks a lot God" in passing. I'm only looking ahead to what I have to do. I don't have time to stop and smell the fall air or bask in the glory of an autumn sun through yellow leaves or even really pay attention to what's really important. 

I'm choking life out through my desire - my need - for control.

So, the main point I'm trying to get across is not a sappy, time-worn adage of "stop and smell the roses!", but more like what my Dad told me when I told him I didn't think I wanted to be a CNA after I finished this course. 

Don't limit God. 

Don't tell God what you're going to do or what you don't think you want to do. Don't get yourself into a mindset that says "No, God. I won't do that." Don't give up trusting that He knows what is best and that He works out everything for good. Don't organize your life so much that you don't leave room for the occasional wrench that gets thrown in.

It's not worth it. It really isn't. 

In a tacky summary: God's wrenches are always for your good. 

He wouldn't send them if they weren't part of His plan and He knows the plans He has for you. And He promises that they'll prosper you and not harm you and that they'll give you hope and a future. You never know what is in store for you. 

'Till next time,