I'm Letting Go

I don't want to write this post. I don't want to write it. But I have to, for reasons of blog-longevity and for my own personal reasons which aren't very interesting or easy to explain.

So lately I've been struggling with what I feel I should do with the rest of my life and what God wants me to do and how they both coincide and so on and so forth. It became an enormous point of anxiety to me for several days and still now gives me a vaguely sick feeling in my stomach when I wake up in the morning.

What does God want me to do?

I knew what I wanted to do.

With two job options open to me, I knew the truth. One was "safe", the other was..."scary" (well, not really, but the devil tends to take your smallest fears and blow them completely out of proportion until they consume you).

Obviously, I wanted the one that was "safe".

I got the "safe" one, but my mom still wanted me to try for the "scary" one.

So I started filling out applications and fear and doubt quickly consumed me. I was scared stiff with irrational fears that would look incredibly silly if I put them down on paper. Incredibly silly.

I struggled with the idea that God wasn't going to bless my decision to take the job I did, because I figured that since fear was holding me back from diving into the "scary" one, He would be disgusted with me. For a day I rationalized and planned and flipped and flopped back and forth until I wanted to bury my head into the couch and scream out my frustration.

A few days later I was sitting on the said couch, writing and listening to an assortment of my favorite Christian songs. Francesca Battistelli's song I'm Letting Go came up and I reached out to skip it. I didn't want to hear about how I should let go of the plans I made for me and let God take control of my life. I was scared of what would happen if he did. So, I started to skip it.

And then a thought stopped me.

If God knows the plans He has for you, and they're going to prosper you, give you hope and a future, then won't letting Him take control make you the happiest?

God isn't going to toss me into something I'm completely unprepared for. He wants to prosper me. He wants to give me joy, hope, peace - everything! So why am I afraid to trust in His plan and let go of mine?

I prayed right then - one of the hardest prayers I've ever prayed in my life - and told Him that I was letting go. And when I told Him that, the peace that flooded my mind was so overwhelming.

And I realized that God wasn't quibbling over what job I chose, only the fact that I was refusing to let Him in on the plan.

It just threw me how long I struggled and worried when the answer was so simple. God wants us to be happy. It's part of His plan. We're only unhappy when we don't allow Him to be in control.

There are no 'ifs' in God's kingdom; and no places that are safer than other places. The center of His will is our only safety. - Casper Ten Boom - The Hiding Place

'Till next time,